I visited students at Kingsborough College today and talked to them about my art and my journey. (I don't like using the word "career")
I realize that I get invited to visit schools to talk to students because I'm at a place in my life where I'm a full-time artist and have been for the past 4 years. And for this I am great full. Grateful. And feeling great. And full about it.
I'm happy and floored that I've figured out a way to be supported through obscurity.
I make parties and installations and music and concert and spiritual reckoning and performance. My music is not yet recorded, though there's tons of footage.
Sometimes when I listen to Ariana Grande or watch her music videos I feel terrible. And I question all of me. My worth. My art. Whether every year I will continue making my living as an artist. Whether I will ever record my music and release an album for everyone to listen to. Whether people will come to my concerts. Whether I'm on the right path. I watch her music producers talk about the making of thank u, next and I feel equally floored, impressed, inspired, intimidated, stunned.
BUT OF COURSE I'm on the right path. Because for the most part, 80% of the time I've been following my gut. And there's something so fulfilling about that.
Sometimes I shoot up awake in the middle in the night.
I don't have a perfume line.
I don't have a music video.
My paychecks are obscure.
When is that going to get old?
I'm getting old.
What if I can't pay rent next month (I haven't had this problem for years)
What if I have to work a desk job (can you imagine Ariana Grande working a desk job?)
I'm freaking out.
I'm not a God parent.
What's going to happen to me after July?
Revenue, income, instagram, YouTube, i'm freaking i'm freaking out i'm freaking out.
I've turned into myself since getting back from Boston.
Theatre burns me out. I don't know if I believe in it. I believe in me. I don't think I'm a theatre artist though. I kind of want to be ... undefinable. Theatre sometimes makes me feel small and I think it's my job as an artist to stretch beyond what theatre thinks I will do. And I think that's what I do. And I think that is my art. And I really hope and I pray that people will continue to support my voice being undefinable. I love making shit up. I really really do. I do believe in performance. I do believe in my music. I do believe I'll find my way to get my music out there. Find the people who will become my team members. Find my music producers who will help me get down in a recording so deeply what's brewing.
I am so terrified of being poor. I am so terrified of it. Terrified to the point that I'm terrified of writing this sentence down. May it be magic spell to disseminate it.
Self-care costs money. And I think that's what half of my salary goes to.
I want to own a house someday -- I don't even know where the ef to begin.
So in Part II, I write to you my self-help recs. Because without it, I'm a mess. With it, I feel unstoppable.
I really pray, I truly truly pray that everything will be okay.